“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya