Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I put the mess in domestic.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Ovenable?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.