Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.