Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
just having fun
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.