DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel