Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh