(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Meth is short for Elizameth.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.