Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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My dating profile:
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.