How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself