FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
BETRAYAL
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!