Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
our love story in four pictures
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.