4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters