we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
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When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess