My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Jupiter
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.