During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me buying fruit and veg
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.