The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
How times have changed.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.