[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You Might Also Like
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth