ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”