REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
You Might Also Like
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.