I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February