Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me driving through Toronto
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
#KarenAndTheCat 😉