“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You Might Also Like
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.