yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
New tinder profile pic
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I think I’ll stand
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???