Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.