Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
It’s a gift
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.