12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”