my favorite genre of twitter
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
😩😩😩
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.