Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.