I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
True.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
reduce, reuse, recycle
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.