Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.