Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Muppet Screams
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs