[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
You Might Also Like
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour