Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Scream sneezers need love too.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya