Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
j o i m p
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.