“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended