Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
🙁
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!