No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
i want to work in this restaurant
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?