I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
goldfish mafia