Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’m aging like a fine banana
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
This is always good for a laugh.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.