Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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*mops up wine with cat*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya