I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Yup.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.