dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Practicing safe sax
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it