You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
May never get over this
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
For the orator and chef in all of us
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Yet the one time I did, I got banned