*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.