ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
eggs benadryl
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it