most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 饾槫饾槶饾槮饾槩饾槼饾槶饾樅 adhering to the volume guidelines
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy 鉂わ笍
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
It looks like someone put their IKEA G眉sen together wrong.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won鈥檛 hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I鈥檓 get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don鈥檛 like the prices , stop coming to my house
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
glad to see they鈥檙e taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes