me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this