ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m confused about plants
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.