[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.