In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
This kid will have a bright future.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.